This post follows on from "(Post-retirement) Identity crisis", originally published in July. I've added some references to "Further Reading". These are either books that have inspired part of the blog or books I want to read and think they may add more to my understanding of certain areas.
When I was a boy and thinking about what I wanted to do with my life, I wanted to be an architect, a draughtsman or maybe a joiner. It must have been influenced by looking up to my dad, who taught those subjects at school (and used to be a joiner). They were also subjects that I enjoyed and I was good at them too, almost a natural affinity. Sadly, my dad died when I was 15 and that changed my focus considerably. I was quite an academic teen and as I progressed through school, my thoughts turned towards careers, money and university. As well as those technical subjects, I was also good at maths and physics, so I was encouraged to be more "ambitious" in my career thinking. Architecture was dropped as I wasn't good enough at English (which I thought was bizarre) and the long training was also rather offputting. I still love watching Grand Designs on TV and remain fascinated by house design! Eventually I was channelled down the Engineering route and went on to study Civil Engineering. I finished University with a very good degree, but I would be lying if I said I enjoyed the course (some of it, not all of it) or wanted to work as a Civil Engineer. Graduating into a terrible recession in 1991, I didn't have to worry about that though as there simply weren't any jobs!
In reality, Civil Engineering is essentially just applied maths, so I looked for ways to apply those skills in a different area. I knew I didn't want to be an accountant and on further investigation, Investment Management looked to offer a great combination of interesting work and potentially high remuneration. There was some influence from a family friend who was a stockbroker and had done extremely well for himself. I fancied a bit of that success! After many rejections, I finally got my break in 1992 and that was the start of my 30-year career as a Fund Manager. I have often wondered how life would have turned out had I followed a different path. If I'd followed a passion, gone against advice and pursued architecture, or even become a joiner. Would I have found contentment sooner?
You are not defined by what you do
Looking back, Fund Management was an excellent career that provided me with fantastic opportunities. I travelled the world, met many interesting people and made some unlikely friends (Levend in Istanbul and Nikos in Athens). It certainly wasn't without its personal and professional challenges and it could be extremely stressful at times (especially when performance was poor). But ultimately it was very well remunerated and has enabled me to retire early. What's not to like about that?
Well, the pursuit of money isn't always everything it's cracked up to be. Essentially, money is a necessary evil that's required for basic survival. Some might even say that money is the route of all evil. Money, status and power can drive people to do strange things, just watch Succession! It can also create many different issues, like hubristic pride, greed and envy. I remember a conversation with a stockbroker where he said, "Keith, if you value your self-worth only by your net worth, then there will always be someone better than you". It was unusually profound for a stockbroker but it strikes a chord with the Groucho Marx quote above. Many times I confused money and self-worth, thinking that "stuff" would make life better. Young and ambitious, I thought I was the new Gordon Gekko (showing my age there). I'd never heard of the conditional happiness cycle or the hedonic treadmill and thought I needed (even deserved) all the "stuff" I was accumulating. I saw my colleagues doing the similar things but I didn't appreciate the additional weight it was placing on me. I frequently confused worth with wealth and worried far too much about my status among my work peers. "The Portrait of Dorian Gray" often sprung to mind. Or, as Donald Robertson says in "Stoicism and the Art of Happiness" I was "chasing an illusion of Happiness, based on a mixture of hedonism, materialism and egotism". I'd never heard of Stoicism, Cicero or Epictetus at the time, but I tucked the conversation away in my subconscious and have returned to it often.
As my career progressed, I found myself increasingly revisiting my this theme and questioning my views about work, money and life balance. Then our daughter got ill. It was December 9th, 2016, almost seven years ago, yet the memory remains fresh and will always be painful. I didn't realise it at the time, but this was the catalyst that set off a chain reaction that ultimately resulted in my retirement and significant life changes for all of us. All the money in the world wasn't going to make our daughter better or give us more time with her. It wouldn't ease the pain on my wife's face when the doctor told us it was leukaemia. I had been mistaking my job for my life and I had just been given a massive reminder of where my real priorities should lie.
Coincidentally, while thinking about this post, I found a passage from Socrates before his execution by poisoning. He said, "Are you not ashamed that you give your attention to acquiring as much money as possible, and similarly with reputation and honour, and give no attention or thought to truth and understanding and the perfection of your soul?" That was in 399 BC! It's an issue as old as time itself.
Further reading: "The Man who Mistook his Job for his Life" by Naomi Shragi; "The Picture of Dorian Gray" by Oscar Wilde"; "Stoicism and the Art of Happiness" by Donald Robertson.
Further listening: Seven Deadly Psychologies - BBC iPlayer
Tempus Fugit - Time Flies
Retirement has given me the precious gift of time. Time to decompress from a working life that was often all-consuming. Time to restore my mental and physical health. Time to reconnect with my wife and daughters and better appreciate aspects of family life that I had either taken for granted or simply missed by not being present (physically or mentally). Time to think about what comes next.
Honestly, I've not played golf all the time, and neither have I been completely void of inspiration either. This blog is probably the best example. I would never have put myself "out there" like this when I was working. I'd have been too concerned about what others would think and any potential professional implications too. But, if Michel De Montaigne had felt like that then we would never have had his essays and letters, or his contribution to modern philosophy. He was almost like a pioneer blogger, talking about the minutia of daily life and how farting made him feel better!
Further reading: "Ten Thoughts About Time" by Bodil Jonsson. "The Complete Works" of Michel De Montaigne.
Exploring new directions
When I decided to retire, I had no real idea of what I wanted to do with myself next. I just knew that I had to stop, and I hoped that with time, inspiration would come. This quote from Albert Camus rang true, "I may not have been sure about what really did interest me, but I was absolutely sure about what didn't". I wasn't going to make any quick decisions, and I wasn't going to jump straight back into another job, or even further study for that matter. It sounds really pretentious, but I was going to open myself up to the world and see what came my way. I remember asking another stockbroking contact what he was going to do when he retired. He said he was "Going to lie down in front of the fire and slowly wait to die". I didn't plan on doing the same.....
Gaining wider perspectives
Adulthood brought many different experiences and perspectives. I've met some amazing people and had great experiences on the journey so far. My wife likes the saying "Friendships are for a reason, a season or for life". Years ago, when working as a seasonal postman, I met another student at the Edinburgh Waverley sorting office who introduced me to the authors Richard Bach and Carlos Castaneda. I can't remember his name, but he helped start my interest in spiritualism and Stoicism. A bit like the book "The Buddha, Geoff and Me" by Edward Canfor-Dumas where a chance encounter leads to big changes for the main character. I never really got into Castaneda though. Shamanism and the teachings of don Juan Matus were too much for me!
I've been fortunate to travel the world with work and interact with people from all walks of life in both professional and social situations. From entrepreneurs with endless drive and passion for their companies to professional managers with steadfast determination and focus to succeed. I generally preferred the entrepreneurs. I remember one who bought me the book "Who Moved My Cheese?" by Dr Spenser Johnson. It's a great book that's about way more than just business. Some of these acquaintances have gone on to become friends beyond work. Random conversations on the golf course have also given me many different perspectives, and several have grown into meaningful and long-lasting friendships.
More recently, I met the author Neil Francis when he was promoting his book, "Changing Course". Neil had a stroke in his early forties. It forced him to resign from his role as CEO (founder) of an internet marketing business and reassess his identity and outlook. I could relate to much of what Neil says in his book. Reading it gave me a lot to think about, as even now, almost two years into my change of course, I think I'm only about two-thirds of the way through the journey Neil describes. Am I now approaching another inflection point? Maybe it's the changing of the seasons and the introspection that often comes towards the year-end, but it feels like time to explore my values and current direction.
Further reading: "Changing Course" by Neil Francis, "Jonathan Livingston Seagull" by Richard Bach; "The Buddha, Geoff and Me" by Edward Canfor-Dumas, "Who Moved my Cheese?" by Dr Spenser Johnson.
Reappraising my values
Lots of things have been influential in making me think more about my values but reading "Changing Course" and "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" recently has prompted me to give them more direct consideration now. We can all be guilty of getting caught up in the hubbub of life and work and losing sight of ourselves. This is the first time I've sat down to consider what my values are. I don't know if it's a comprehensive list, or if in fact, it's too long a list, but it's a good start.
Family: pt 1: The driving force behind my changes was my immediate family and for them to have a better version of me, both as a husband and father. At times I genuinely felt I was failing at both. Hopefully, my wife and all three daughters have seen a difference. I hope I've given them more of myself and been there when they've needed me. I'm still prone to grumpy periods, but nothing like before.
Family: pt 2: I can't make the above statement without expressing disappointment in myself for the poor relationships I have with my mother and my two brothers. There are many reasons for this and they are not for discussion here but it does make me sad. If any of them read this then maybe there's hope for improvement.
Friendships: Epictetus observed that "Of all things that wisdom provides to help one live one's entire life in happiness, the greatest by far is the possession of friendship." I'm fortunate to have a wide circle of friends and a smaller circle I would call good friends. I hope that my friends know they can call on me whenever they need to and I will always do my best to help. I also know who I can turn to at similar times for non-judgemental help and impartial advice. Golf has been fantastic in this regard and some of my best friendships have started on the golf course.
To borrow a quote from Muhammad Ali (used by Neil Francis), " Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything". Friendships need work though, and while they are a two-way road, I am guilty of not putting enough effort into some friendships that have subsequently withered. For those, I am sorry.
Humour: I try not to take things too seriously and enjoy a good joke/laugh. Sometimes at the most inappropriate moments though! Laughter is good for the soul and helps you live longer too. I like using funny anecdotes or stories whenever I can. The advent of smartphones/texting has seriously hurt the art of good joke-telling though.
Humility: I was in danger of losing sight of this and I hope I've brought it back under control. I am very fortunate to have worked hard and succeeded in an industry where the financial rewards for that effort are high. At times, I let some of that go to my head. It took me longer than it should have to appreciate the law of diminishing returns.
Honesty, self-respect and integrity: I have always valued honesty and believed in the old maxim that "honesty is the best policy". Unfortunately, I can sometimes be honest to the point of bluntness and need to be more empathetically aware at times! My friends know they will always get a straight answer from me though and I appreciate the same from them. I really don't like dishonesty and deception and would rather people get to the point and not dance around things. If you don't have self-respect then how do you expect anyone else to respect you? I'm reminded of the line from 101 Dalmations where Cruella asks one of her minions "What type of sycophant are you?" and he replies "What type of sycophant would you like me to be?" Self-respect gives you the courage/backbone to stand by your own values.
Curiosity: (willingness to fail): Nobody knows everything; unless you're Marvin the paranoid android from Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Without curiosity, how can we grow? It is curiosity that has drawn me to study philosophy and write this blog, almost a journey of self-discovery. It has also made me more comfortable with failure and better appreciate the saying, "It's better to have tried and failed, than not to have tried at all". Growth comes from solving problems (which usually brings a new set of problems). You've got to be prepared to try and fail if you want to grow as a person. The other phrases I tell my girls are that "It's better to be wrong with a red face than right in silence" and "Perfection is the enemy of good".
Responsibility: This is at the heart of what I understand Stoicism to be about. We can not change the things that happen to us but can take responsibility for how we react to them. It's also the essence of the Serenity Prayer.
Kindness: To be kinder to myself and others. Don't be so quick to judge, criticise or respond.
Further reading: "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" by Mark Manson
So who am I today....
At the risk of sounding like Maximus from Gladiator, I am Keith:
Husband to an amazing wife.
Father to three wonderful daughters.
Friend, confidant, advisor.
Adventurer on a journey of self-discovery.
Philosophy student.
Golfer.
Blogger.
Poet.
Writer.
No longer in need of a job title!
....and what do I want from life?
Ultimately, it's the Stoic goal of living with eudaimonia (flourishing, living well) through becoming the best version of myself. That's how I can give the best of myself to others too. I enjoy my new life and I'm more comfortable in my own skin than ever before. I enjoy the simple things like being here for my family when they come home from school/work and listening to the stories about their day (even if they think I've switched off).
While I would like to find a way to use my work experience to help others, I also wonder if it is my life experience and journey over the last few years that could help more. With that in mind, I've (so far unsuccessfully) explored non-executive roles and have also put myself forward for a committee position at my golf club. I've briefly looked into training as a counsellor too, but I've not taken that any further yet.
I enjoy writing this blog and intend to keep at it, even if friends and family are the only readers. It's often therapeutic to write and, hopefully, readers can get something useful from it too. I'll continue with the book reviews, golf progress reports and general thoughts about life and maybe explore some new ideas too. One day I'd love to write a book, but I need a combination of inspiration and talent for that first.
At 54, I have to be realistic about how many fit and active years I have ahead and I intend to pack as much as possible into that time. Golf has been a constant in my life, but I have added (trail/mountain) biking and walking too. I especially enjoy my walks around St Andrews and have blogged about mindful walking already. You should give it a try, I love it. I've set myself a golfing challenge to qualify for the Senior Open by age 60, which I know will be really difficult. Managing to play in a qualifying event would still be a great achievement. However, if pursuing that goal compromises my enjoyment of the game then I will drop it.
So, for the time being, I will continue as I am, keep exploring the things that interest me and drive my passions, stay open to new opportunities and see what happens next.
Maybe the book should be about the Stoic philosophy of Groucho Marx......
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