I've come to talk with you again.....
This weekend was the Autumn equinox. Undeniably, Autumn is a beautiful season with the trees changing colour and still enough warmth in the sun to enjoy time outdoors without multiple layers of clothes. But from now until the Winter equinox, the days will continue to get shorter and the hours of darkness ever longer. That can feel like prison walls closing in at times and it can do strange things to my mood.
Because a vision softly creeping, Left its seeds while I was sleeping
These feelings aren't unusual for me, but they've come earlier this year. Maybe it's because the weather this summer was poor, or it's from having COVID-19 again recently, or it's been my elbow tendonitis and a period of poor golf, or maybe it's just part of getting older and being more aware of time passing. It's hard to believe I've been retired for almost 3 years. However, when I look back at my adult life, I believe I have always suffered from seasonal affective disorder to some degree. It was worse when I was working and commuting and I can even remember feeling it back in my first job in the early 90's. Back then I'd never heard of SAD or even considered there was such a thing! Mental health was even more taboo than today.
And the vision that was planted in my brain, Still remains
It may be a strange thing to say but I'm actually quite pleased that I recognised this feeling coming on again. Some historic patterns of behaviour were starting to repeat. Low self-esteem and a general fed-up feeling, lethargy and lack of enthusiasm (even for golf), not sleeping well and specifically thinking I could "buy myself happy". I went daft looking at electric cars with the excuse that they are "tax efficient to run through my business". Then, in classic middle-aged crisis mode and using the "you only live once" and "you can't take it with you" excuses, I even went to test drive an old sports car I coveted when younger!
While that was a great afternoon of fun, it was guaranteed to be instant buyer's remorse as soon as I closed the garage door and put it away for winter!
Also, as the golf season draws to a close I have a habit of starting to think about, and tinker with, my clubs again. I really should delete the eBay app from my phone, especially at the weekends after a couple of glasses of red wine! Anyway, the alternative 3 wood I've bought cost a lot less than the car would have.
The conditional happiness cycle is a dangerous one. Buying stuff hoping it will ease the angst makes as much sense as trying to stick the falling leaves back on the tree.
Within the sound of silence
Recently, I spent three days golfing in the Highlands, which also allowed me to spend time with my best man (and oldest friend) while I was there. I find there is something very comforting and restorative about the Highlands. The insignificance of self when standing before the mountains or walking through the forests, combined with the air, the whisky and especially the silence. Mindfulness. Oneness. Connection.
I get a lot of that in St Andrews and have written previously about mindful walking, but I think it's a slightly different sensation here because it's home. I returned from that trip in a much better frame of mind than when I left. Maintaining that momentum, I had conversations with other good friends (on and off the golf course) that have provided additional perspective, helping me ask better questions about myself and my recent gloomy feelings.
I can't stop winter from coming, just as I can't stop the march of time or the falling leaves, but (as a Stoic) I can choose how I react. Moving into autumn is an opportunity to reflect and unclutter my mind, appreciate the beauty of seasonal changes, and plan for the months ahead. It's time for me to reconnect with books, get back into my Coursera courses and bring light into the darkness. I will embrace the months ahead, befriend the darkness and look forward to the rebirth of spring.
Hello darkness, my old friend
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